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Two Marvellous Guys
[Editor's Note: this interview comes to us courtesy of ComicBookScooparoonieskiddlybop.com.] There comes a time in every comic website's life when it must interview Joe Quesada and Bill Jemas, and we at the Scoop wouldn't dare be an exception. Marvel's fortunes have undergone a meteoric rise under their stewardship, and the meteor has yet to plateau. Editor in Chief Quesada wears his authority lightly, as became plain when he asked if I was going to finish my cheese fries. Chief Operating Officer Jemas, by contrast, is strikingly similar. Where he differs is in the brash, brazen, no-nonsense, off-the-cuff, take-no-prisoners, shoot-from-the-hip, tell-it-like-it-is, let-the-chips-fall-where-they-may, run-it-up-the-flagpole-and-see-if-anyone-salutes speaking style that has alternately endeared him to and alienated him from friends and foes alike. Working together in concert, the two men mutually form a synergy that's not just greater than the sum of its parts, but also greater than the whole. This interview was conducted on the first of the month, in the bustling offices of the modern-day dream factory men call Marvel Comics. SCOOP: Looking back at the period of time during which you've presided over the dawning of a new era of rebirth at Marvel, you've made a lot of changes. Have they been similar or different from the changes you envisioned yourselves having made by this point when you started? QUESADA: Yes and no. Obviously we've come a long way, but this is a race that has no finish line. We've got our blinders on so we can focus on where we're going without worrying about where we've been. The day I stop to admire the scenery is the day you can cart me off to the glue factory. JEMAS: I think what we've proved is, naysayers aside, what's good for the business of comics is also good for the industry. And you know, a couple years ago, we'd have been afraid to come out and say that. We're at the forefront of a whole new frontier, and there's no limit to how far we can push the boundaries. It's a very exciting time to be at Marvel, and a very exciting time to be in comics, if you're at Marvel. SCOOP: If that's so, why the criticism from certain quarters? QUESADA: It's a self-esteem problem. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we haven't always seen ourselves for who we really are. Sometimes we looked at ourselves the way people who aren't us looked at us, and we didn't even look like us to ourselves. So we had to ask ourselves, who am us, anyway? What I mean is, we forgot what we're about. It was popular to sit around carping about the grim reality of everything but guess what? We're not in the reality business, we're in the fantasy business! We are the modern-day mythographers, the music makers, the dreamers of dreams. And the only thing stopping us from living that dream is this negative tendency we all have to face up to our problems. I think most people who love comics are getting over that, embracing the positive, and waking up to the fantasy. JEMAS: I definitely agree with Joe. The new Marvel is all about positivity. And the only people who object to that are this tiny minority of freaks, losers, cellar-dwellers, retards, shut-ins, no-hopers, career virgins, professional malcontents, mouthy retailers, armchair pundits, computer jockeys, whiners, fringoids and wackjobs. Look, fellas, I know it hurts that you'll never know the love of a good woman, but why take it out on me? I'd hire you all some hookers, but even AOL Comics couldn't pay a woman enough to pork most of you stunted, fish-white man-children. Why don't you take a page from our book and do something positive, like kill yourselves? Wouldn't that be such a release? Go on, do the world a favor. Sweet eternity is beckoning to you. Kill yourselves, kill yourselves, kill yourselves now. Thank you. SCOOP: ? QUESADA: Bill's kidding. Sometimes people don't pick up on his sense of humor. SCOOP: Ha ha! So what's on the cards for Marvel? JEMAS: The Sept. 11 tribute books did so well for us that we're planning to make it an ongoing series. We're working hand-in-glove with Adm. Poindexter of the IAO [Information Awareness Office] as part of the administration's propaganda offensive. We're getting a hefty government grant, and the beauty part is that because it's a 9/11 book the creatives offered to work gratis, which top talent won't normally do unless they're Peter David. QUESADA: He's kidding. Bill, you scamp. JEMAS: No, I'm not. QUESADA: Ha ha! Bill, you're an absolute panic. It's not real, folks, we're just keeping you on your toes. JEMAS: Am not. Call Poindexter up and ask him. He'll take the Fifth, but that's just force of habit. SCOOP: Moving on, can you tell me about some of your plans for the Marvel Universe? I hear you have something in the works for Patsy Walker. JEMAS: No comment. SCOOP: Okay. How about- JEMAS: All right, all right, you twisted my arm. Normally it's like pulling teeth to try to pry any information out of us, but your dogged persistence has worn me down. Damn your journalistic prowess! QUESADA: He's kidding. SCOOP: Are you kidding? JEMAS: No comment. Anyhow, about Patsy. What we're going to do, is finally have her live up to her name of Hellcat. We're doing a Max miniseries with her set in the Satanist underground - bestial orgies, erotic lesbian bloodletting, newborn babies ritually sacrificed on druidic stone altars by the light of a harvest moon, the works. It's going to be written by Garth Ennis, and - we're very excited about this - it's going to be drawn by S. Clay Wilson. SCOOP: Is he kidding? I can't tell anymore. QUESADA: Nope, this one's all on the level. And we've got an awesome promotion lined up, too - we're giving away the first issue with every single Happy Meal sold in August, coast to coast. SCOOP: Now I know you're kidding. You can't be serious. Right? JEMAS: Maybe. Probably. But you're going to run it anyway, aren't you? QUESADA: It's too juicy a story to pass up. And hey, what if it's true? JEMAS: There's always the chance. I'll bet all the other news sites will run with it. You don't want to get left behind. QUESADA: Besides, it'll be good for the industry. It'll get people talking, and all publicity is good publicity. You want to do what's best for comics, don't you? SCOOP: Well, I, uh- QUESADA: DON'T you? JEMAS: You turning chickenshit on me, son? QUESADA: He's yellow, Bill, you can smell it on him. He'll betray us the second he hits the street. We can't let him leave. JEMAS: Stand down, troop, that's an order. Now, son, you listen up and listen good: without us, you're nothing. You're vapor, you're baloney without the mayo, but for the hype that we cook up for you every week. Do I need to prove that to you? Or are you going to stop screwing around, take what we feed you, like it, and ask for seconds? SCOOP: Um? I only want to do what's right for comics? JEMAS: Good lad. Here's your headline: "Badgirls For Fatboys: HELLCAT Lets You 'Have It Your Way'". QUESADA: Copy that down. And while you're at it, how about you do us a little dance? JEMAS: Yeah, go on. Dance for us, monkeyboy. [As the tape runs out, the Scoop gamely approximates a mazurka, while Jemas beats out a lively tattoo on his desk with a pair of old Venom action figures, and Quesada convulses with merriment, nearly choking on his cheese fries.] Rico F. Basgoyman was an April Fool, you fools! Ninth Art endorses the principle of Ideological Freeware. 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