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Brickbats 2003, Part Two
Welcome back to the Committee for the Prevention of Sequential Mediocrity's awards for the twelve worst moments in mainstream comics in 2003. You've come in halfway through our broadcast, but if you want to catch the first part before proceeding, we've TiVO-ed it for you here. Now on with the awards: 6. The Full Frontal Lobotomy Award For Stupidest Plot Most mentioned by the committee was the current AVENGERS arc, 'The Search for She-Hulk'. We question first of all why anyone would want to find such a monumentally inane character as She-Hulk. But worse than that, they found her in the first issue, giving the whole thing the dramatic impact of looking around under the sofa cushions and discovering loose change. The rest of the series seemed to have no other purpose than showing She-Hulk in tiny bits of ripped purple lingerie. The only possible explanation we can think of is that Geoff Johns is gradually lowering our expectations on the title so that we can be ready for Chuck Austen's run. A dishonourable mention goes to SOLDIER X #8, where Darko Macan goes out with a whimper, sticking two fingers up at Marvel - and readers - by delivering some cringe-making gash about how the world's problems can all be solved by The Power Of Love, TM. Attention comic writers: The Power of Love is the most boring subject ever, even more boring than Wolverine's origin. Please, use only with extreme irony. 5. The Buzz Lightbox Award for Worst Use of Photo Ref
Okay, so CrossGen comics may be out on the periphery of the mainstream, like the family of religious zealots ostracised from the village, but SOJOURN #22 easily beats out all the competition in this category. Greg Land, you could have at least changed her accessories - or picked a magazine that isn't one of the widest-read in America. Tracing a page from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was rather silly, you must admit. The Committee had also heard a rumour that Greg Horn uses covers from US porn mags as photo ref for the covers on the EMMA FROST miniseries. This clearly called for our fullest investigative attention. After a quite enjoyable weekend sifting through every US porn mag we could find, the Committee sadly reports that this allegation is completely baseless, and that PLAYBOY really does have some quite good articles. 4. The Giant Killer Squid Award For Disastrous Inking On GENERATIONS, John Byrne has decided that he can do every job on a comic book by himself: writing, pencilling, inking and colouring. John, baby - division of labour is a good thing. Especially when you seem to be inking with an extra-wide black magic marker. A dishonourable mention goes to Philip Tan on UNCANNY X-MEN, who is inking his own pencils in a manner that suggests he is snorting lines of ink and then sneezing them onto the page. We really can't say enough about how bad the art on UNCANNY is... or, in fact, the writing. 3. The Cement Shoes Award for Mini Series That Most Deserved To Be Drowned At Birth Is it just us, or does it seem like 2003 was the year where miniseries got handed out like party favours to any writer or artist who needed pacifying? It must be the comics equivalent of giving somebody a more impressive job title so you don't have to give them a raise. Keith Giffen got ZODIAC, a series so heavy on text and light on action that the editors had to break down unsold copies of LAB RATS to get the spare captions. Giffen: get back to JLA! You are not Alan Moore! Ron Zimmerman got RAWHIDE KID, because if there's one thing comics needs, it's more insulting minority stereotypes. Geoff Jones was allowed to do POSSESSED, a book so turgid, it should have come with a spoon. Paul Jenkins gave us WOLVERINE: THE END, which made WOLVERINE: ORIGIN look like a heartbreaking work of staggering genius. Paul Jenkins gives great Spider-Man, but it seems there are sadly very few writers around who can manage the comedy hijinks of a character like Spidey, then switch to the angsty glumness of a loner hero like Wolverine. And TROUBLE. We just don't even want to talk about TROUBLE. Over on his Millarworld site, we saw that Millar is paying $10 to anyone who will accept a signed copy of the first issue... or did we read that wrong? 2. The Quasimodo Award for The Worst Understanding of Human Anatomy There is only one man whose gift for body horror can put David Cronenberg in the shade. There is only one man whose capacity for bodily mutilation outstrips every name on the FBI's Most Wanted list. There is only one man whose grasp of anatomy is so freakish as to make HR Giger do a double take. His name is synonymous with the absolute worst the industry has to offer, and if this were an annual award, he'd win it every year. We refer, of course, to the one and only Mr Rob Liefeld. Of course, in order to give him the award, he actually has to have produced some work this year. Well, not really. A mere twelve months is hardly a generous window in which to expect any work from the steady-paced Liefster, and we'd be prepared to give it to him anyway, in the spirit of a lifetime achievement award. But then we remembered, he actually did spare some time from his hectic schedule of trying to complete the first level of SONIC THE HEDGEHOG on his Sega Master System; he illustrated Mark Millar's YOUNGBLOOD #1. And the art was everything we've come to expect; distorted, distended, horribly malformed bodies with limbs that look broken and re-set, pea-sized heads atop gigantic bodies, and frightening stick-on mammaries on the women and men alike. There is artful distortion, and then there is Rob Liefeld. Oh, and we've seen his covers to next year's CABLE/DEADPOOL series, and we've already added his name to the plaque for 2004. 1. The Airsickness Bag Award for The Most Vomit-Inducing Moment In Comics The last month alone has given us enough gems to fill this category. Chuck Austen, Mark Millar, Geoff Johns; what were you thinking?
Austen, in what way is it interesting or appropriate for Havok to decide he's going to turn Iceman into Mr Pee-body? (UNCANNY X-MEN #433) We're cringing so hard that we may get stuck like this when the wind changes. Geoff Johns, a wet Antman crawling out of Wasp's vaginal cavity after sex is just... disgusting. (AVENGERS #71) Laying aside the fact that children might read this ("Mommy, what's the little slimy man doing?"), the members of the committee - who are not the least bit averse to a little kinky sex - cannot for the life of them figure out how that would be sexually enjoyable for either character. Lastly; Mark Millar! You thought we'd forgotten about you (and crikey, after TROUBLE, believe us when we say we'd like to) but you just won't let us! "Do you think this A is for France?" is the sort of wannabe-cool line that only Arnold Schwarzenegger could do 'justice'. (ULTIMATES #12) To paraphrase the immortal Miss Dorothy Parker, "This is not a comic to be put aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force." The comics mainstream never ceases to amaze with its constant striving to uncover new depths of awfulness. The Committee for the Prevention of Sequential Mediocrity is hoping for a much better year in 2004. But we're preparing ourselves for the worst. The CPSM (Committee for the Prevention of Sequential Mediocrity) are Dave Bushe, Nick Locking, John Mazzeo and Sarah Webb. Ninth Art endorses the principle of Ideological Freeware. The author permits distribution of this article by private individuals, on condition that the author and source of the article are clearly shown, no charge is made, and the whole article is reproduced intact, including this notice. Back. |
