There's something not quite right about comic writers. They can combine the insanity of actresses with the arrogance of surgeons. Andrew Wheeler pinpoints seven of the warning signs that suggest that a writer is losing his grip on reality.
11 October 2004

It can't be easy being a comic book writer. All that pressure to create. All that editorial interference. All the worry that people are going to see right through you.

In those bleak late hours, as they stare at a blank page and wonder where the words are going to come from, they must occasionally give a wistful sigh and wish for some other, simpler life, where they could be degunking the McFlurry machine in Newark Airport at three in the morning, or inhaling second hand smoke while collecting dirty glasses in a county music bar. Poor, poor comic writers.

Yeah, as jobs go, writing comics is a pretty easy gig. There are pressures, there are obstacles, and you're still answerable to your editors, your publishers, your audience and your bank manager, but it's a job you choose, not one that you take just to pay the bills, and it's a job where you create, not one where you get fired for daydreaming in the office.

OK, so it's not quite as good as being eleventh in line to the throne, or the heir to an international hotel chain; you still have to work for a living, and even if you work really hard, you're unlikely to ever make your fortune. But anyone who does write comics for a living has at least one good reason to be cheerful.

Which begs the question; why does such a good job produce so many prissy, pissy, egotistical prima donnas?

If you read comics long enough, you'll see the transformation take place. People who start out grateful for a break and eager to prove themselves slowly evolve into stompy, stroppy, self-important stage school brats. And if you really pay attention, you'll see the signs. The seven habits of defective comic writers. And that includes the writer/artists. And a lot of the artists, too. And the inkers. And most of the editors, now I come to think of it.

1. THEY GET TOO CLOSE TO THE FANS

The internet has its uses. Pornography, illegal music downloads, pop-up advertising, that sort of thing. Unfortunately, its single greatest use appears to be narcissism, which is why everyone in the world has a blog, and the worst of us have a message board, too.

Message boards have been one of the greatest curses of the modern comic industry. Not only do they take writers away from their work with the same irresistible pull that an X-Box exerts over a comic artist, they also provide writers with a bounty of yes-men who'll feed their every delusion and reinforce their every vanity.

That's not to say that every comic creator with a message board is already lost to reason, but it's a dangerous first step. The real trouble comes when the creator - or his more rabid fans - turns the place into a critical vacuum, where the party line is always enforced and the master is never wrong. You know a creator is too far gone when his forum regulars say they'll pay good money for his shopping list.

2. THEY AVOID THE FANS

A doctor will give you mouth-to-mouth if you stop breathing, and doctors save people's lives for a living. Some creators won't even shake your hand, and all they do is write.

That's assuming they even go to places where they might encounter fans. Some creators don't 'do' conventions at all. Mingling with hoi polloi is beneath them. Perhaps they don't appreciate the small taste of celebrity that goes with being a comic creator at a convention, because it offends their pure artistic sensibilities. Or perhaps they just don't like the fact that Brian Michael Bendis has got a longer queue.

OK, so some comic fans can be a bit maniacal, a bit strange, and a bit sticky. And let's be honest, the creator doesn't owe the fan a personal appearance; their transaction takes place at the comic shop counter. But when you create entertainment for a living, you can't take the audience out of the equation. As soon as a creator thinks he's too good to shake hands with his fans, he's a lost cause.

3. THEY TALK TRASH

It's increasingly common for creators to get into slagging matches via message boards, websites, convention panels, press conferences and the media, with their favourite targets usually being 'the guy who did BATMAN after me', or 'the guy whose SPIDER-MAN is selling better than mine did'. Instead of conceding that it might be possible for a different creator to find a different story worth telling, or that there might be some value in trying a different style, all they can see is some upstart whose appreciation for and understanding of a character can't begin to match their own.

When a creator can't see value in anyone's work but their own, they've not only lost their perspective, they've also lost their love of comics. Someone who doesn't love comics - and in extreme cases doesn't even read comics - is certainly not someone you want to see making comics.

4. THEY TRANSCEND THEIR EDITORS

From somewhere beyond the realm of comics, in the not-unrelated land of genre fiction, there is a curious, benighted creature by the name of Anne Rice. She writes vampire books. You may have heard of her.

Rice recently caused a kerfuffle when she posted a comment in the reviews section of Amazon under one of her own books (the comment has since been removed), in which she took to task those who lambasted her novel and demanded to know who in the world they thought they were to criticise her. In the midst of her eccentric diatribe, she remarked:

"[I] have no intention of allowing any editor ever to distort, cut, or otherwise mutilate sentences that I have edited and re-edited, and organized and polished myself. I fought a great battle to achieve a status where I did not have to put up with editors making demands on me, and I will never relinquish that status."

That same brand of success-drunk obliviousness has infected some of comics' marquee names. Yet any creator who thinks they don't need an editor anymore is forgetting that they did have an editor back when they were actually good. Only true genius doesn't require a second opinion, and a true genius would be smart enough to solicit one anyway.

5. THEY SERMONISE

Writers are paid to have opinions. After all, if you don't have something to say, then what the devil are you going to write about? But there's always a danger that a creator will be so opinionated that you won't be able to pay him fast enough for him to get his opinions out there, and he'll start to give them away for free.

OK, there's nothing wrong with freedom of expression. My concern, though, is that as soon as you put a comic creator in a pulpit, he turns into a fringe lunatic, denouncing womankind, or demanding more respect for fictional characters, or claiming his life is in danger from his fans. Things they should save for their therapists get aired to their adoring fans. It must be something they put in the ink. Possibly Mark Gruenwald. But he always seemed relatively sane.

6. THEY WRITE 'THE NEW WATCHMEN'

There's nothing wrong with aiming high. On the contrary, most comic writers don't aim nearly high enough. Alan Moore was certainly aiming high when he wrote WATCHMEN. But he wrote the comic, not the legend. The legend of WATCHMEN wrote itself.

I'm confident that other superhero stories will be written that reach the same high standard, but not one of them will be written by someone who claims he's writing the new WATCHMEN, because all they'll ever be doing is playing catch-up. Nor will the next WATCHMEN be any of those transparent 'political superhero' Xeroxes that come along every couple of years. The creators of these books look back and think they're casting a long shadow, but all they're seeing is the shadow Alan Moore has cast over them.

7. THEY WRITE COMICS

The first and surest sign that someone is going to turn into an egomaniacal comic writer? They become a comic writer. It's pretty much all downhill from there. With all those invasive fans, internet sycophants, interfering editors and ungrateful philistines, they really don't stand a chance. They'd be better off degunking the McFlurry machine in Newark Airport, or collecting dirty glasses in a late night county music dive. Poor comic writers. It's a hard old life.

This article is Ideological Freeware. The author grants permission for its reproduction and redistribution by private individuals on condition that the author and source of the article are clearly shown, no charge is made, and the whole article is reproduced intact, including this notice.




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